In the last posts, I spoke about my long and depressing way to get a diagnosis.
Finally, having a diagnosis was really relieving in the first moment. However, new fears and questions rised up. How am I gonna heal from adrenal fatigue? Is it even possible to heal from this disease? How long does it take? When can I start to go back to university and move on with my old life?
At this point, I didn´t realise that this was going to be a long way, full of ups and downs, accompanied by a lot of changes. I truly believed, that there was a magic pill out there which would let me feel like my old self again. For months, I was looking for something or someone to fix myself, my health and my troubles. My entire energy (at least the low level which was left) was flowing into external factors. I thought that the reason I became ill, was due to other people. Other people stressing me out, taking advantage of me, not appreciating me or not even loving me. For years, I constantly had the feeling of not being enough! Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not mentally strong enough, not smart enough and not doing or working enough. I was always working, acting and thinking against myself! I´m pretty small (1.57m) and always wished to be taller. I was always a rather curvy girl and always wished to be skinnier, hence I restricted myself from food and did lots of sports and unhealthy diets. I have naturally curly hair and thought that I would look prettier with straight hair. Every single task I was doing, whether it was just cleaning the house, doing homework, doing sports, doing my make up or even writing an email…Every single time, I wanted to accomplish these tasks in a perfect way! People and friends were telling me that I´m such a strong person and that I seem so confident. However, on the inside I felt unsecure and weak, constantly scared of what people might think of me. I didn´t want my protective mask to fall off, so for years I kept pushing myself and tried to be perfect, without even listening to the alarm signals of my body.
Since I´m ill, I learnt a lot about myself and being happy. I mainly learnt to accept myself the way I am. I realised that trying to be perfect will mostly let you fail and that people who strive for perfection are unsecure people, who dont´t believe in themselves and their abilities. I also learnt, that healing is not only about eating the right food, drinking enough water and resting, it is so much more. Healing for me, means to accept and love myself fully, no matter in which state of life I am. This helped me to finally think and act more positive. I finally work with my body, instead against it. In the last year, I finally got rid of the unhealthy habbit to compare myself to others and to fully concentrate on myself. I learnt to fulfill my own needs, instead of the needs of the people around me. Meditation and positive self talk helped me a lot during this journey. I am not perfect (finally!!!!) and I am still learning. I still have my rough days where dark and unhealthy thoughts arise. However, I learnt that these thoughts are normal, especially in my current situation. I just deal differently with them now. I let them arise completely instead of suppresing them, I cry or get mad at them, I accept them and let them go. Thoughts are just thoughts, they come and they go and they don´t define you! You are just the observer of your thoughts!
For everyone who reads this, even if it just helps one person out there, believe in yourself and love yourself! At some days it might seem hard, but try your best to replace your negativity with positive self talk.Your cells will thank you and this is essential for healing! It might sound macabre, but I have never been that positive in my life than now. I don´t say happy, I say positive and optimistic. Although I have adreanal fatigue and I´m mostly house or bed bound, I keep fighting for a better life. I know that better days are coming and this keeps me going. I want to encourage you doing the same!! Listen to your body, enjoy the tiny little things in your life and become your best friend. No negative self talk, no complains and no self destructive behaviour. Try it out for 2 days and see how you´ll feel. You live the rest of your life with yourself so why woudn´t you be nice to yourself?! Start to write a journal or a blog. Write down what you like about yourself, what you are thankful for and what your small goals for the next days are. A positive attitude is essential and you are the only one who can make yourself happy. Once you are happy with yourself, you will radiate love, happiness and confidence and trust me, you will attract a lot of other people in your life than before. So let´s embark on this journey together and spread positivity, no matter how much life is trying to hold you down. XXX